There are forces at work these days that i don't understand. Major shifts from what used to be intolerable to a new patient waiting, fresh eyes, renewed hope. A new 360. Is it dumb luck? Or have i finally stumbled into a place where i belong?
I'm not talking geographically. nonono.
The things that i used to obsess over have dissolved. Old troubles hardly cross my mind. I can't imagine that it used to consume so much of my thoughts.
I have no dillusions about the dangerous waters in which i tread. There is a dangerous undertow; it could take my life at any moment. But i'm not so scared anymore and i'm no diving directly into the current either (i have moderately self-destructive relationship habits).
I was quiet. I wanted to hear you as best i could. Didn't want to miss a word, a sound. So i just listened and pretended that i was watching you talk. I love to watch people talk... and so begins a story with an unwritten ending.
21.8.08
4.8.08
Aug 4. 2008
I've put down my white flag. I had it, waiting for the right moment. A mutual "surrender" I think is how i put it.
There will be no mutual surrender. I can see, as the smoke clears, that my wishful mind created a situation that did not actually present itself. It's so easy to flash back to that place. Why? I don't understand why i hold on to such a hurtful relationship. Even in a brief public sighting, he is discouraging, absent and aloof and nothing i deserve. It is time to let it go, for good.
Can i do it? I'm not sure. There should be no questions. It should have been done years ago. I want to be confrontational, call names, get a reaction, anything... Hello? are you even alive? What is the f$%*'n problem? Say something, make up your damn mind. Are you in or are you out? The answer doesn't so much matter anymore. I just want to know how i should act! Just say it. Screw my feelings, it's not like you can get outside yourself anyway. Close the book for me or tell me the rest of the dmn story! I'm so angry for this nothing in the place that i feel so much.
People claim time heals. And it seems it has with 2 exceptions: it's not healed you and it's not diminished my heart. It's taken care of everything else. My chopped up body, the few who took advantage before you came along. I consider myself a reasonable person and i lose control seldom. But even after 8 years...
I'll never understand.
Today was frustrating. Work was long. Tomorrow will be worse. So i took my 35 min drive home as an opportunity to focus my rage on the road and drown out the pathetic voices in my head saying... "yes, but what if..." I fantisized telling you i was done, forever. I threatened to never know you again and never give you the opportunity to know me. I wanted to say things that would make you hurt and then vanish. I would vanish for a change.
But... i'm soft again. Writing, waiting to fall asleep. Sitting on the inside of my strange apartment, it doesn't feel like home. Imagining that i'm not the one with problems.
There will be no mutual surrender. I can see, as the smoke clears, that my wishful mind created a situation that did not actually present itself. It's so easy to flash back to that place. Why? I don't understand why i hold on to such a hurtful relationship. Even in a brief public sighting, he is discouraging, absent and aloof and nothing i deserve. It is time to let it go, for good.
Can i do it? I'm not sure. There should be no questions. It should have been done years ago. I want to be confrontational, call names, get a reaction, anything... Hello? are you even alive? What is the f$%*'n problem? Say something, make up your damn mind. Are you in or are you out? The answer doesn't so much matter anymore. I just want to know how i should act! Just say it. Screw my feelings, it's not like you can get outside yourself anyway. Close the book for me or tell me the rest of the dmn story! I'm so angry for this nothing in the place that i feel so much.
People claim time heals. And it seems it has with 2 exceptions: it's not healed you and it's not diminished my heart. It's taken care of everything else. My chopped up body, the few who took advantage before you came along. I consider myself a reasonable person and i lose control seldom. But even after 8 years...
I'll never understand.
Today was frustrating. Work was long. Tomorrow will be worse. So i took my 35 min drive home as an opportunity to focus my rage on the road and drown out the pathetic voices in my head saying... "yes, but what if..." I fantisized telling you i was done, forever. I threatened to never know you again and never give you the opportunity to know me. I wanted to say things that would make you hurt and then vanish. I would vanish for a change.
But... i'm soft again. Writing, waiting to fall asleep. Sitting on the inside of my strange apartment, it doesn't feel like home. Imagining that i'm not the one with problems.
July 31.2008
Last night i dreamt of an old friend. Not in a way that fell into the constraints of our normal friendship. It was a pleasant surprise when compared with other recent dreams. Huge mushroom clouds from explosions from places where there is no explosive material. The feeling of dependency on my family and feeling judged for it. The dependency part was probably based on a radio broadcast i'd heard earlier in the week, but I'm not sure about the part where my mother was driving 60 mph backwards in her saturn vue to get away from the mushroom cloud that was about to engulf us. But when i woke up, i could feel that it was my subconscious working on refocusing my obsessive mind.
The obsessive part of me has quieted, a little. I'm not nearly as anxious. I'm trying not to be. And i do believe that my obsession has slipped away from me once again, to resurface in 2 more years? Maybe less? I was hoping this would be the time that we would see it through to closure. Make it a definitive ending or make a definitive meeting for when we turn 60 and have lived our lives and have nothing left to loose. Or, in my wildest dreams, a mutual surrender, accepting nature's chemistry and letting go of control. We are still too headstrong or wounded for that. Lord, what would i daydream about if we were to come together again?! I would be void of material. I can not fathom anyone other than him. I try to imagine someone else, a stranger, anyone, but it just doesn't make any sense, it's the wrong fit and the stranger i imagine could be anything, anyone. But, I digress, and make the point that i need very little encouragement.
I'm not quite sure what happens between the time I realize that i've lost him again to the point where i start imposing my feelings for him on other people. Perhaps a fleeting hope would be that something would take, that i might make a healthy thing of an unhealthy habit.
Thinking back on all the relationships i've had, I realized that i have been the pursuer. I find that interesting. I think i let my high school boyfriend make the first move, but then the rest was all me. I guess i don't really give anyone the chance to make the first move. Hm. Had never thought about that before.
The obsessive part of me has quieted, a little. I'm not nearly as anxious. I'm trying not to be. And i do believe that my obsession has slipped away from me once again, to resurface in 2 more years? Maybe less? I was hoping this would be the time that we would see it through to closure. Make it a definitive ending or make a definitive meeting for when we turn 60 and have lived our lives and have nothing left to loose. Or, in my wildest dreams, a mutual surrender, accepting nature's chemistry and letting go of control. We are still too headstrong or wounded for that. Lord, what would i daydream about if we were to come together again?! I would be void of material. I can not fathom anyone other than him. I try to imagine someone else, a stranger, anyone, but it just doesn't make any sense, it's the wrong fit and the stranger i imagine could be anything, anyone. But, I digress, and make the point that i need very little encouragement.
I'm not quite sure what happens between the time I realize that i've lost him again to the point where i start imposing my feelings for him on other people. Perhaps a fleeting hope would be that something would take, that i might make a healthy thing of an unhealthy habit.
Thinking back on all the relationships i've had, I realized that i have been the pursuer. I find that interesting. I think i let my high school boyfriend make the first move, but then the rest was all me. I guess i don't really give anyone the chance to make the first move. Hm. Had never thought about that before.
24.7.08
7.24.08
Thursday.
The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.
When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.
We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.
This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.
A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.
The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.
When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.
We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.
This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.
A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.
22.7.08
07.22.08
Tuesday.
In the last 2o days, I've worked very hard to un-do 50% of the items i had in the last blog. I did this because I wasn't being honest with myself.
No relationship
no 2nd dog
no issues with the dishes
no worrying about someone else's needs/ feelings.
After realizing that i had not completed one single piece of art since October and that i had not had a real conversation about art, music, culture... or anything serious and interesting to me... i knew that i had to change something. I couldn't think of what to do except to start hauling the crap out of my life and my apt. Less stuff. No co-habitating. No one else to think about, except me. Prior to this, i've never felt so out of control in my life. I feel like i just put my life in someone else's hands and walked away.
I lived in sin for only 4 months, but i've gained an interesting insight that i wish i could share with an old friend. I had the breath squeezed out of my space. I knew what it was like on the other end finally. I understood what it was like to only have a certain amount to give, while the other person wanted more. I felt panic-y and was constantly on the verge of running out the door. I never understood. But I do now.
In the last 2o days, I've worked very hard to un-do 50% of the items i had in the last blog. I did this because I wasn't being honest with myself.
No relationship
no 2nd dog
no issues with the dishes
no worrying about someone else's needs/ feelings.
After realizing that i had not completed one single piece of art since October and that i had not had a real conversation about art, music, culture... or anything serious and interesting to me... i knew that i had to change something. I couldn't think of what to do except to start hauling the crap out of my life and my apt. Less stuff. No co-habitating. No one else to think about, except me. Prior to this, i've never felt so out of control in my life. I feel like i just put my life in someone else's hands and walked away.
I lived in sin for only 4 months, but i've gained an interesting insight that i wish i could share with an old friend. I had the breath squeezed out of my space. I knew what it was like on the other end finally. I understood what it was like to only have a certain amount to give, while the other person wanted more. I felt panic-y and was constantly on the verge of running out the door. I never understood. But I do now.
2.7.08
Recently: July 1. 2008
Recently: July 1. 2008
I don't do this much anymore. Blogg, or keep a journal. There's just no time, not time to write it, not time to reflect, not time to re-read. So what's the point?
But point here today is that this is the safest place to talk about my life. Interesting. In the wide open. Like talking to yourself on a park bench in the city. Safe, everyone looks, no one responds. I like it best that way for now.
I am now 15 minutes past deadline for two major items for the day. I've worked my ass off on them and am disappointed that I'm left waiting on one person to complete this items. And tomorrow, when the newsletter doesn't go out... i will be held accountable for it. So... waiting in the office for something to do, my crappy pc to load... anything.
But I've been medicating with food and work. The truth is, I am very disappointed in myself. I have nothing to complain about at first glance. I am in a healthy, supportive relationship. I am working in the arts field, unlike many of my former classmates. My family is amazing (truly, this is my rock right now). I have 2 silly dogs. But i am more anxious now than i have ever been before. I am accustom to hormonal mood swings, mini-melt downs about my lack of control, but i've never felt like this before. I get a good hour of house work in when i get home. Walk the dogs for 20 minutes, do the dishes that were left in the sink. Try to clear as much clutter away as i can, so that when i go to sleep, my head is free of crap. Except, now I'm working twice as hard to keep that sink empty. I'm now responsible for someone else's feelings, making sure someone else's needs are met. And on top of that, struggling to figure out what my needs are and am i putting them too much in front of my partner's needs or not enough? Where is the line? How do i stand up for myself when I'm not sure what I'm up against? Is it supposed to be so hard?
Upon dealing with these things... I am underpaid for the job i do. I am struggling with this as well. I love the work i do. It fulfills the need i have to give back (for i am ever indebted to the family who donated their kid's liver to me when i was 12 yrs. old.) I will continue to make my living through service to the public, which does not pay... so on some days when i am weak and tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It's actually the next day. I left the above text to simmer over night...
Another concern, that's been growing since my current relationship began, my follow through sucks! I've made commitments to friends that i never keep. Nothing earth shattering, but disappointing, nonetheless. Canceling nights out, not calling like i promised. Really stupid emails to my closest male friends, that seek to alienate and fragment perfectly content friendships. Projects sit unfinished. It gets talked about, but never a follow through. I've become one of those people.
It's like i've traded one set of issues for another. Before i began dating my current man, I was often wrecked with loneliness, making irrational decisions about correspondence. I'd be so heavy with it that i couldn't make myself clean, paint, nothing. But i spent lots of time with my friends, developing healthy female relationships.
Now, my moods are more extreme, minus the loneliness. But i have less control over my environment and find that it is very easy to blame my partner for my discontent. Many nights are spent with dark clouds crashing around our apt. Who will apologize first? Do i always have to be the one to give in? Is my anger never justified? I love you, but fuck your feelings, this is about me. But is this still better than the nights i couldn't get out of bed to feed myself?
I guess this is a classic "the grass is always greener"
I expect that it will all work itself out in time.
I don't do this much anymore. Blogg, or keep a journal. There's just no time, not time to write it, not time to reflect, not time to re-read. So what's the point?
But point here today is that this is the safest place to talk about my life. Interesting. In the wide open. Like talking to yourself on a park bench in the city. Safe, everyone looks, no one responds. I like it best that way for now.
I am now 15 minutes past deadline for two major items for the day. I've worked my ass off on them and am disappointed that I'm left waiting on one person to complete this items. And tomorrow, when the newsletter doesn't go out... i will be held accountable for it. So... waiting in the office for something to do, my crappy pc to load... anything.
But I've been medicating with food and work. The truth is, I am very disappointed in myself. I have nothing to complain about at first glance. I am in a healthy, supportive relationship. I am working in the arts field, unlike many of my former classmates. My family is amazing (truly, this is my rock right now). I have 2 silly dogs. But i am more anxious now than i have ever been before. I am accustom to hormonal mood swings, mini-melt downs about my lack of control, but i've never felt like this before. I get a good hour of house work in when i get home. Walk the dogs for 20 minutes, do the dishes that were left in the sink. Try to clear as much clutter away as i can, so that when i go to sleep, my head is free of crap. Except, now I'm working twice as hard to keep that sink empty. I'm now responsible for someone else's feelings, making sure someone else's needs are met. And on top of that, struggling to figure out what my needs are and am i putting them too much in front of my partner's needs or not enough? Where is the line? How do i stand up for myself when I'm not sure what I'm up against? Is it supposed to be so hard?
Upon dealing with these things... I am underpaid for the job i do. I am struggling with this as well. I love the work i do. It fulfills the need i have to give back (for i am ever indebted to the family who donated their kid's liver to me when i was 12 yrs. old.) I will continue to make my living through service to the public, which does not pay... so on some days when i am weak and tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It's actually the next day. I left the above text to simmer over night...
Another concern, that's been growing since my current relationship began, my follow through sucks! I've made commitments to friends that i never keep. Nothing earth shattering, but disappointing, nonetheless. Canceling nights out, not calling like i promised. Really stupid emails to my closest male friends, that seek to alienate and fragment perfectly content friendships. Projects sit unfinished. It gets talked about, but never a follow through. I've become one of those people.
It's like i've traded one set of issues for another. Before i began dating my current man, I was often wrecked with loneliness, making irrational decisions about correspondence. I'd be so heavy with it that i couldn't make myself clean, paint, nothing. But i spent lots of time with my friends, developing healthy female relationships.
Now, my moods are more extreme, minus the loneliness. But i have less control over my environment and find that it is very easy to blame my partner for my discontent. Many nights are spent with dark clouds crashing around our apt. Who will apologize first? Do i always have to be the one to give in? Is my anger never justified? I love you, but fuck your feelings, this is about me. But is this still better than the nights i couldn't get out of bed to feed myself?
I guess this is a classic "the grass is always greener"
I expect that it will all work itself out in time.
20.5.08
About the times.
I have been without internet for 6 hours. In the comfort of my own home, with dogs and paint and chores, this would be no problem. The computer is the new tv anyway. I admit, i prefer to rot my brain via myspace, job hunting or reading about art opportunities i'll never submit to. But as you can see it has returned and suddenly, nothing is getting done here at the office.
The last few days have been wonderful, complicated, nostalgic, damning. I feel trapped in many ways. I've heard that when you feel trapped it is time to pull out all the stops; get out of your own way, fix it. Why can't i figure out how to fix it?
What's been so complicated? Sharing meals, chores, and a bed with your present. But still listening to songs from another time. Not so much longing to be in that time, just letting it roll around in your mouth. Tasting. Remembering. And i suppose there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. We all have a piece of our past that we cherish and pull out when things are kind of rough in the present. A game we play with ourselves to move past the difficulty of the present.
Could i be crazy? It's very likely that judgment has already been passed on me. I don't care. I'm fairly aware of my weaknesses and bad habits. This being one bad habit, morphing from diary entry to public broadcast. I will publicly admit that i am almost certainly connected to the time in a ESP sort of way. For example, the dreams come in clusters, before or after a correspondence. Then the thoughts, dreams and desire to be in the time fades as though this is connected to a human who moves through lonely days and weeks, emerging then submerging again. Part of me believes that this will quiet down with me relocating to raleigh or something. Again, I may be crazy. I mean, it didn't work in Philadelphia, but then again, I was the loneliest i've ever been up there. Misery loves company, yes it does. But it happens like an earthquake or storm. It's sudden and terrible (in hindsight) and completely unavoidable. And it feel like nature too... drawn to it like the gravitational pull of the sun on the planets. It always seems logical, if a then b and therefore c... but that doesn't dull the sting, or prevent deaths. And i fall victim... but not again. I'm finally getting smarter, bolder.
The present time is good and hard. I know that after this is over, i will look back and be proud of the work that was done and the progress that was made. I am working as hard on my personal life as i work at my professional life. I've never been under the impression that you "worked" at your personal life. But i am. I fight control spells, the urge to quit. I fight to keep my head out of "me is just me, not me and you and therefore simpler." And i only know about this because of that other time.
The last few days have been wonderful, complicated, nostalgic, damning. I feel trapped in many ways. I've heard that when you feel trapped it is time to pull out all the stops; get out of your own way, fix it. Why can't i figure out how to fix it?
What's been so complicated? Sharing meals, chores, and a bed with your present. But still listening to songs from another time. Not so much longing to be in that time, just letting it roll around in your mouth. Tasting. Remembering. And i suppose there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. We all have a piece of our past that we cherish and pull out when things are kind of rough in the present. A game we play with ourselves to move past the difficulty of the present.
Could i be crazy? It's very likely that judgment has already been passed on me. I don't care. I'm fairly aware of my weaknesses and bad habits. This being one bad habit, morphing from diary entry to public broadcast. I will publicly admit that i am almost certainly connected to the time in a ESP sort of way. For example, the dreams come in clusters, before or after a correspondence. Then the thoughts, dreams and desire to be in the time fades as though this is connected to a human who moves through lonely days and weeks, emerging then submerging again. Part of me believes that this will quiet down with me relocating to raleigh or something. Again, I may be crazy. I mean, it didn't work in Philadelphia, but then again, I was the loneliest i've ever been up there. Misery loves company, yes it does. But it happens like an earthquake or storm. It's sudden and terrible (in hindsight) and completely unavoidable. And it feel like nature too... drawn to it like the gravitational pull of the sun on the planets. It always seems logical, if a then b and therefore c... but that doesn't dull the sting, or prevent deaths. And i fall victim... but not again. I'm finally getting smarter, bolder.
The present time is good and hard. I know that after this is over, i will look back and be proud of the work that was done and the progress that was made. I am working as hard on my personal life as i work at my professional life. I've never been under the impression that you "worked" at your personal life. But i am. I fight control spells, the urge to quit. I fight to keep my head out of "me is just me, not me and you and therefore simpler." And i only know about this because of that other time.
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