July 31.2008

Last night i dreamt of an old friend. Not in a way that fell into the constraints of our normal friendship. It was a pleasant surprise when compared with other recent dreams. Huge mushroom clouds from explosions from places where there is no explosive material. The feeling of dependency on my family and feeling judged for it. The dependency part was probably based on a radio broadcast i'd heard earlier in the week, but I'm not sure about the part where my mother was driving 60 mph backwards in her saturn vue to get away from the mushroom cloud that was about to engulf us. But when i woke up, i could feel that it was my subconscious working on refocusing my obsessive mind.

The obsessive part of me has quieted, a little. I'm not nearly as anxious. I'm trying not to be. And i do believe that my obsession has slipped away from me once again, to resurface in 2 more years? Maybe less? I was hoping this would be the time that we would see it through to closure. Make it a definitive ending or make a definitive meeting for when we turn 60 and have lived our lives and have nothing left to loose. Or, in my wildest dreams, a mutual surrender, accepting nature's chemistry and letting go of control. We are still too headstrong or wounded for that. Lord, what would i daydream about if we were to come together again?! I would be void of material. I can not fathom anyone other than him. I try to imagine someone else, a stranger, anyone, but it just doesn't make any sense, it's the wrong fit and the stranger i imagine could be anything, anyone. But, I digress, and make the point that i need very little encouragement.

I'm not quite sure what happens between the time I realize that i've lost him again to the point where i start imposing my feelings for him on other people. Perhaps a fleeting hope would be that something would take, that i might make a healthy thing of an unhealthy habit.

Thinking back on all the relationships i've had, I realized that i have been the pursuer. I find that interesting. I think i let my high school boyfriend make the first move, but then the rest was all me. I guess i don't really give anyone the chance to make the first move. Hm. Had never thought about that before.