7.24.08

Thursday.

The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.

When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.

We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.

This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.

A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.