Change. 8.21.08

There are forces at work these days that i don't understand. Major shifts from what used to be intolerable to a new patient waiting, fresh eyes, renewed hope. A new 360. Is it dumb luck? Or have i finally stumbled into a place where i belong?
I'm not talking geographically. nonono.

The things that i used to obsess over have dissolved. Old troubles hardly cross my mind. I can't imagine that it used to consume so much of my thoughts.

I have no dillusions about the dangerous waters in which i tread. There is a dangerous undertow; it could take my life at any moment. But i'm not so scared anymore and i'm no diving directly into the current either (i have moderately self-destructive relationship habits).

I was quiet. I wanted to hear you as best i could. Didn't want to miss a word, a sound. So i just listened and pretended that i was watching you talk. I love to watch people talk... and so begins a story with an unwritten ending.


Aug 4. 2008

I've put down my white flag. I had it, waiting for the right moment. A mutual "surrender" I think is how i put it.

There will be no mutual surrender. I can see, as the smoke clears, that my wishful mind created a situation that did not actually present itself. It's so easy to flash back to that place. Why? I don't understand why i hold on to such a hurtful relationship. Even in a brief public sighting, he is discouraging, absent and aloof and nothing i deserve. It is time to let it go, for good.

Can i do it? I'm not sure. There should be no questions. It should have been done years ago. I want to be confrontational, call names, get a reaction, anything... Hello? are you even alive? What is the f$%*'n problem? Say something, make up your damn mind. Are you in or are you out? The answer doesn't so much matter anymore. I just want to know how i should act! Just say it. Screw my feelings, it's not like you can get outside yourself anyway. Close the book for me or tell me the rest of the dmn story! I'm so angry for this nothing in the place that i feel so much.

People claim time heals. And it seems it has with 2 exceptions: it's not healed you and it's not diminished my heart. It's taken care of everything else. My chopped up body, the few who took advantage before you came along. I consider myself a reasonable person and i lose control seldom. But even after 8 years...

I'll never understand.

Today was frustrating. Work was long. Tomorrow will be worse. So i took my 35 min drive home as an opportunity to focus my rage on the road and drown out the pathetic voices in my head saying... "yes, but what if..." I fantisized telling you i was done, forever. I threatened to never know you again and never give you the opportunity to know me. I wanted to say things that would make you hurt and then vanish. I would vanish for a change.

But... i'm soft again. Writing, waiting to fall asleep. Sitting on the inside of my strange apartment, it doesn't feel like home. Imagining that i'm not the one with problems.

July 31.2008

Last night i dreamt of an old friend. Not in a way that fell into the constraints of our normal friendship. It was a pleasant surprise when compared with other recent dreams. Huge mushroom clouds from explosions from places where there is no explosive material. The feeling of dependency on my family and feeling judged for it. The dependency part was probably based on a radio broadcast i'd heard earlier in the week, but I'm not sure about the part where my mother was driving 60 mph backwards in her saturn vue to get away from the mushroom cloud that was about to engulf us. But when i woke up, i could feel that it was my subconscious working on refocusing my obsessive mind.

The obsessive part of me has quieted, a little. I'm not nearly as anxious. I'm trying not to be. And i do believe that my obsession has slipped away from me once again, to resurface in 2 more years? Maybe less? I was hoping this would be the time that we would see it through to closure. Make it a definitive ending or make a definitive meeting for when we turn 60 and have lived our lives and have nothing left to loose. Or, in my wildest dreams, a mutual surrender, accepting nature's chemistry and letting go of control. We are still too headstrong or wounded for that. Lord, what would i daydream about if we were to come together again?! I would be void of material. I can not fathom anyone other than him. I try to imagine someone else, a stranger, anyone, but it just doesn't make any sense, it's the wrong fit and the stranger i imagine could be anything, anyone. But, I digress, and make the point that i need very little encouragement.

I'm not quite sure what happens between the time I realize that i've lost him again to the point where i start imposing my feelings for him on other people. Perhaps a fleeting hope would be that something would take, that i might make a healthy thing of an unhealthy habit.

Thinking back on all the relationships i've had, I realized that i have been the pursuer. I find that interesting. I think i let my high school boyfriend make the first move, but then the rest was all me. I guess i don't really give anyone the chance to make the first move. Hm. Had never thought about that before.