Aug 4. 2008

I've put down my white flag. I had it, waiting for the right moment. A mutual "surrender" I think is how i put it.

There will be no mutual surrender. I can see, as the smoke clears, that my wishful mind created a situation that did not actually present itself. It's so easy to flash back to that place. Why? I don't understand why i hold on to such a hurtful relationship. Even in a brief public sighting, he is discouraging, absent and aloof and nothing i deserve. It is time to let it go, for good.

Can i do it? I'm not sure. There should be no questions. It should have been done years ago. I want to be confrontational, call names, get a reaction, anything... Hello? are you even alive? What is the f$%*'n problem? Say something, make up your damn mind. Are you in or are you out? The answer doesn't so much matter anymore. I just want to know how i should act! Just say it. Screw my feelings, it's not like you can get outside yourself anyway. Close the book for me or tell me the rest of the dmn story! I'm so angry for this nothing in the place that i feel so much.

People claim time heals. And it seems it has with 2 exceptions: it's not healed you and it's not diminished my heart. It's taken care of everything else. My chopped up body, the few who took advantage before you came along. I consider myself a reasonable person and i lose control seldom. But even after 8 years...

I'll never understand.

Today was frustrating. Work was long. Tomorrow will be worse. So i took my 35 min drive home as an opportunity to focus my rage on the road and drown out the pathetic voices in my head saying... "yes, but what if..." I fantisized telling you i was done, forever. I threatened to never know you again and never give you the opportunity to know me. I wanted to say things that would make you hurt and then vanish. I would vanish for a change.

But... i'm soft again. Writing, waiting to fall asleep. Sitting on the inside of my strange apartment, it doesn't feel like home. Imagining that i'm not the one with problems.