I have been without internet for 6 hours. In the comfort of my own home, with dogs and paint and chores, this would be no problem. The computer is the new tv anyway. I admit, i prefer to rot my brain via myspace, job hunting or reading about art opportunities i'll never submit to. But as you can see it has returned and suddenly, nothing is getting done here at the office.
The last few days have been wonderful, complicated, nostalgic, damning. I feel trapped in many ways. I've heard that when you feel trapped it is time to pull out all the stops; get out of your own way, fix it. Why can't i figure out how to fix it?
What's been so complicated? Sharing meals, chores, and a bed with your present. But still listening to songs from another time. Not so much longing to be in that time, just letting it roll around in your mouth. Tasting. Remembering. And i suppose there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. We all have a piece of our past that we cherish and pull out when things are kind of rough in the present. A game we play with ourselves to move past the difficulty of the present.
Could i be crazy? It's very likely that judgment has already been passed on me. I don't care. I'm fairly aware of my weaknesses and bad habits. This being one bad habit, morphing from diary entry to public broadcast. I will publicly admit that i am almost certainly connected to the time in a ESP sort of way. For example, the dreams come in clusters, before or after a correspondence. Then the thoughts, dreams and desire to be in the time fades as though this is connected to a human who moves through lonely days and weeks, emerging then submerging again. Part of me believes that this will quiet down with me relocating to raleigh or something. Again, I may be crazy. I mean, it didn't work in Philadelphia, but then again, I was the loneliest i've ever been up there. Misery loves company, yes it does. But it happens like an earthquake or storm. It's sudden and terrible (in hindsight) and completely unavoidable. And it feel like nature too... drawn to it like the gravitational pull of the sun on the planets. It always seems logical, if a then b and therefore c... but that doesn't dull the sting, or prevent deaths. And i fall victim... but not again. I'm finally getting smarter, bolder.
The present time is good and hard. I know that after this is over, i will look back and be proud of the work that was done and the progress that was made. I am working as hard on my personal life as i work at my professional life. I've never been under the impression that you "worked" at your personal life. But i am. I fight control spells, the urge to quit. I fight to keep my head out of "me is just me, not me and you and therefore simpler." And i only know about this because of that other time.