The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.

When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.

We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.

This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.

A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.



In the last 2o days, I've worked very hard to un-do 50% of the items i had in the last blog. I did this because I wasn't being honest with myself.

No relationship
no 2nd dog
no issues with the dishes
no worrying about someone else's needs/ feelings.

After realizing that i had not completed one single piece of art since October and that i had not had a real conversation about art, music, culture... or anything serious and interesting to me... i knew that i had to change something. I couldn't think of what to do except to start hauling the crap out of my life and my apt. Less stuff. No co-habitating. No one else to think about, except me. Prior to this, i've never felt so out of control in my life. I feel like i just put my life in someone else's hands and walked away.

I lived in sin for only 4 months, but i've gained an interesting insight that i wish i could share with an old friend. I had the breath squeezed out of my space. I knew what it was like on the other end finally. I understood what it was like to only have a certain amount to give, while the other person wanted more. I felt panic-y and was constantly on the verge of running out the door. I never understood. But I do now.


Recently: July 1. 2008

Recently: July 1. 2008

I don't do this much anymore. Blogg, or keep a journal. There's just no time, not time to write it, not time to reflect, not time to re-read. So what's the point?

But point here today is that this is the safest place to talk about my life. Interesting. In the wide open. Like talking to yourself on a park bench in the city. Safe, everyone looks, no one responds. I like it best that way for now.

I am now 15 minutes past deadline for two major items for the day. I've worked my ass off on them and am disappointed that I'm left waiting on one person to complete this items. And tomorrow, when the newsletter doesn't go out... i will be held accountable for it. So... waiting in the office for something to do, my crappy pc to load... anything.

But I've been medicating with food and work. The truth is, I am very disappointed in myself. I have nothing to complain about at first glance. I am in a healthy, supportive relationship. I am working in the arts field, unlike many of my former classmates. My family is amazing (truly, this is my rock right now). I have 2 silly dogs. But i am more anxious now than i have ever been before. I am accustom to hormonal mood swings, mini-melt downs about my lack of control, but i've never felt like this before. I get a good hour of house work in when i get home. Walk the dogs for 20 minutes, do the dishes that were left in the sink. Try to clear as much clutter away as i can, so that when i go to sleep, my head is free of crap. Except, now I'm working twice as hard to keep that sink empty. I'm now responsible for someone else's feelings, making sure someone else's needs are met. And on top of that, struggling to figure out what my needs are and am i putting them too much in front of my partner's needs or not enough? Where is the line? How do i stand up for myself when I'm not sure what I'm up against? Is it supposed to be so hard?

Upon dealing with these things... I am underpaid for the job i do. I am struggling with this as well. I love the work i do. It fulfills the need i have to give back (for i am ever indebted to the family who donated their kid's liver to me when i was 12 yrs. old.) I will continue to make my living through service to the public, which does not pay... so on some days when i am weak and tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

It's actually the next day. I left the above text to simmer over night...

Another concern, that's been growing since my current relationship began, my follow through sucks! I've made commitments to friends that i never keep. Nothing earth shattering, but disappointing, nonetheless. Canceling nights out, not calling like i promised. Really stupid emails to my closest male friends, that seek to alienate and fragment perfectly content friendships. Projects sit unfinished. It gets talked about, but never a follow through. I've become one of those people.

It's like i've traded one set of issues for another. Before i began dating my current man, I was often wrecked with loneliness, making irrational decisions about correspondence. I'd be so heavy with it that i couldn't make myself clean, paint, nothing. But i spent lots of time with my friends, developing healthy female relationships.

Now, my moods are more extreme, minus the loneliness. But i have less control over my environment and find that it is very easy to blame my partner for my discontent. Many nights are spent with dark clouds crashing around our apt. Who will apologize first? Do i always have to be the one to give in? Is my anger never justified? I love you, but fuck your feelings, this is about me. But is this still better than the nights i couldn't get out of bed to feed myself?

I guess this is a classic "the grass is always greener"

I expect that it will all work itself out in time.