Recently: July 1. 2008
I don't do this much anymore. Blogg, or keep a journal. There's just no time, not time to write it, not time to reflect, not time to re-read. So what's the point?
But point here today is that this is the safest place to talk about my life. Interesting. In the wide open. Like talking to yourself on a park bench in the city. Safe, everyone looks, no one responds. I like it best that way for now.
I am now 15 minutes past deadline for two major items for the day. I've worked my ass off on them and am disappointed that I'm left waiting on one person to complete this items. And tomorrow, when the newsletter doesn't go out... i will be held accountable for it. So... waiting in the office for something to do, my crappy pc to load... anything.
But I've been medicating with food and work. The truth is, I am very disappointed in myself. I have nothing to complain about at first glance. I am in a healthy, supportive relationship. I am working in the arts field, unlike many of my former classmates. My family is amazing (truly, this is my rock right now). I have 2 silly dogs. But i am more anxious now than i have ever been before. I am accustom to hormonal mood swings, mini-melt downs about my lack of control, but i've never felt like this before. I get a good hour of house work in when i get home. Walk the dogs for 20 minutes, do the dishes that were left in the sink. Try to clear as much clutter away as i can, so that when i go to sleep, my head is free of crap. Except, now I'm working twice as hard to keep that sink empty. I'm now responsible for someone else's feelings, making sure someone else's needs are met. And on top of that, struggling to figure out what my needs are and am i putting them too much in front of my partner's needs or not enough? Where is the line? How do i stand up for myself when I'm not sure what I'm up against? Is it supposed to be so hard?
Upon dealing with these things... I am underpaid for the job i do. I am struggling with this as well. I love the work i do. It fulfills the need i have to give back (for i am ever indebted to the family who donated their kid's liver to me when i was 12 yrs. old.) I will continue to make my living through service to the public, which does not pay... so on some days when i am weak and tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It's actually the next day. I left the above text to simmer over night...
Another concern, that's been growing since my current relationship began, my follow through sucks! I've made commitments to friends that i never keep. Nothing earth shattering, but disappointing, nonetheless. Canceling nights out, not calling like i promised. Really stupid emails to my closest male friends, that seek to alienate and fragment perfectly content friendships. Projects sit unfinished. It gets talked about, but never a follow through. I've become one of those people.
It's like i've traded one set of issues for another. Before i began dating my current man, I was often wrecked with loneliness, making irrational decisions about correspondence. I'd be so heavy with it that i couldn't make myself clean, paint, nothing. But i spent lots of time with my friends, developing healthy female relationships.
Now, my moods are more extreme, minus the loneliness. But i have less control over my environment and find that it is very easy to blame my partner for my discontent. Many nights are spent with dark clouds crashing around our apt. Who will apologize first? Do i always have to be the one to give in? Is my anger never justified? I love you, but fuck your feelings, this is about me. But is this still better than the nights i couldn't get out of bed to feed myself?
I guess this is a classic "the grass is always greener"
I expect that it will all work itself out in time.