Thursday.
The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.
When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.
We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.
This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.
A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.
24.7.08
22.7.08
07.22.08
Tuesday.
In the last 2o days, I've worked very hard to un-do 50% of the items i had in the last blog. I did this because I wasn't being honest with myself.
No relationship
no 2nd dog
no issues with the dishes
no worrying about someone else's needs/ feelings.
After realizing that i had not completed one single piece of art since October and that i had not had a real conversation about art, music, culture... or anything serious and interesting to me... i knew that i had to change something. I couldn't think of what to do except to start hauling the crap out of my life and my apt. Less stuff. No co-habitating. No one else to think about, except me. Prior to this, i've never felt so out of control in my life. I feel like i just put my life in someone else's hands and walked away.
I lived in sin for only 4 months, but i've gained an interesting insight that i wish i could share with an old friend. I had the breath squeezed out of my space. I knew what it was like on the other end finally. I understood what it was like to only have a certain amount to give, while the other person wanted more. I felt panic-y and was constantly on the verge of running out the door. I never understood. But I do now.
In the last 2o days, I've worked very hard to un-do 50% of the items i had in the last blog. I did this because I wasn't being honest with myself.
No relationship
no 2nd dog
no issues with the dishes
no worrying about someone else's needs/ feelings.
After realizing that i had not completed one single piece of art since October and that i had not had a real conversation about art, music, culture... or anything serious and interesting to me... i knew that i had to change something. I couldn't think of what to do except to start hauling the crap out of my life and my apt. Less stuff. No co-habitating. No one else to think about, except me. Prior to this, i've never felt so out of control in my life. I feel like i just put my life in someone else's hands and walked away.
I lived in sin for only 4 months, but i've gained an interesting insight that i wish i could share with an old friend. I had the breath squeezed out of my space. I knew what it was like on the other end finally. I understood what it was like to only have a certain amount to give, while the other person wanted more. I felt panic-y and was constantly on the verge of running out the door. I never understood. But I do now.
2.7.08
Recently: July 1. 2008
Recently: July 1. 2008
I don't do this much anymore. Blogg, or keep a journal. There's just no time, not time to write it, not time to reflect, not time to re-read. So what's the point?
But point here today is that this is the safest place to talk about my life. Interesting. In the wide open. Like talking to yourself on a park bench in the city. Safe, everyone looks, no one responds. I like it best that way for now.
I am now 15 minutes past deadline for two major items for the day. I've worked my ass off on them and am disappointed that I'm left waiting on one person to complete this items. And tomorrow, when the newsletter doesn't go out... i will be held accountable for it. So... waiting in the office for something to do, my crappy pc to load... anything.
But I've been medicating with food and work. The truth is, I am very disappointed in myself. I have nothing to complain about at first glance. I am in a healthy, supportive relationship. I am working in the arts field, unlike many of my former classmates. My family is amazing (truly, this is my rock right now). I have 2 silly dogs. But i am more anxious now than i have ever been before. I am accustom to hormonal mood swings, mini-melt downs about my lack of control, but i've never felt like this before. I get a good hour of house work in when i get home. Walk the dogs for 20 minutes, do the dishes that were left in the sink. Try to clear as much clutter away as i can, so that when i go to sleep, my head is free of crap. Except, now I'm working twice as hard to keep that sink empty. I'm now responsible for someone else's feelings, making sure someone else's needs are met. And on top of that, struggling to figure out what my needs are and am i putting them too much in front of my partner's needs or not enough? Where is the line? How do i stand up for myself when I'm not sure what I'm up against? Is it supposed to be so hard?
Upon dealing with these things... I am underpaid for the job i do. I am struggling with this as well. I love the work i do. It fulfills the need i have to give back (for i am ever indebted to the family who donated their kid's liver to me when i was 12 yrs. old.) I will continue to make my living through service to the public, which does not pay... so on some days when i am weak and tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It's actually the next day. I left the above text to simmer over night...
Another concern, that's been growing since my current relationship began, my follow through sucks! I've made commitments to friends that i never keep. Nothing earth shattering, but disappointing, nonetheless. Canceling nights out, not calling like i promised. Really stupid emails to my closest male friends, that seek to alienate and fragment perfectly content friendships. Projects sit unfinished. It gets talked about, but never a follow through. I've become one of those people.
It's like i've traded one set of issues for another. Before i began dating my current man, I was often wrecked with loneliness, making irrational decisions about correspondence. I'd be so heavy with it that i couldn't make myself clean, paint, nothing. But i spent lots of time with my friends, developing healthy female relationships.
Now, my moods are more extreme, minus the loneliness. But i have less control over my environment and find that it is very easy to blame my partner for my discontent. Many nights are spent with dark clouds crashing around our apt. Who will apologize first? Do i always have to be the one to give in? Is my anger never justified? I love you, but fuck your feelings, this is about me. But is this still better than the nights i couldn't get out of bed to feed myself?
I guess this is a classic "the grass is always greener"
I expect that it will all work itself out in time.
I don't do this much anymore. Blogg, or keep a journal. There's just no time, not time to write it, not time to reflect, not time to re-read. So what's the point?
But point here today is that this is the safest place to talk about my life. Interesting. In the wide open. Like talking to yourself on a park bench in the city. Safe, everyone looks, no one responds. I like it best that way for now.
I am now 15 minutes past deadline for two major items for the day. I've worked my ass off on them and am disappointed that I'm left waiting on one person to complete this items. And tomorrow, when the newsletter doesn't go out... i will be held accountable for it. So... waiting in the office for something to do, my crappy pc to load... anything.
But I've been medicating with food and work. The truth is, I am very disappointed in myself. I have nothing to complain about at first glance. I am in a healthy, supportive relationship. I am working in the arts field, unlike many of my former classmates. My family is amazing (truly, this is my rock right now). I have 2 silly dogs. But i am more anxious now than i have ever been before. I am accustom to hormonal mood swings, mini-melt downs about my lack of control, but i've never felt like this before. I get a good hour of house work in when i get home. Walk the dogs for 20 minutes, do the dishes that were left in the sink. Try to clear as much clutter away as i can, so that when i go to sleep, my head is free of crap. Except, now I'm working twice as hard to keep that sink empty. I'm now responsible for someone else's feelings, making sure someone else's needs are met. And on top of that, struggling to figure out what my needs are and am i putting them too much in front of my partner's needs or not enough? Where is the line? How do i stand up for myself when I'm not sure what I'm up against? Is it supposed to be so hard?
Upon dealing with these things... I am underpaid for the job i do. I am struggling with this as well. I love the work i do. It fulfills the need i have to give back (for i am ever indebted to the family who donated their kid's liver to me when i was 12 yrs. old.) I will continue to make my living through service to the public, which does not pay... so on some days when i am weak and tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
It's actually the next day. I left the above text to simmer over night...
Another concern, that's been growing since my current relationship began, my follow through sucks! I've made commitments to friends that i never keep. Nothing earth shattering, but disappointing, nonetheless. Canceling nights out, not calling like i promised. Really stupid emails to my closest male friends, that seek to alienate and fragment perfectly content friendships. Projects sit unfinished. It gets talked about, but never a follow through. I've become one of those people.
It's like i've traded one set of issues for another. Before i began dating my current man, I was often wrecked with loneliness, making irrational decisions about correspondence. I'd be so heavy with it that i couldn't make myself clean, paint, nothing. But i spent lots of time with my friends, developing healthy female relationships.
Now, my moods are more extreme, minus the loneliness. But i have less control over my environment and find that it is very easy to blame my partner for my discontent. Many nights are spent with dark clouds crashing around our apt. Who will apologize first? Do i always have to be the one to give in? Is my anger never justified? I love you, but fuck your feelings, this is about me. But is this still better than the nights i couldn't get out of bed to feed myself?
I guess this is a classic "the grass is always greener"
I expect that it will all work itself out in time.
20.5.08
About the times.
I have been without internet for 6 hours. In the comfort of my own home, with dogs and paint and chores, this would be no problem. The computer is the new tv anyway. I admit, i prefer to rot my brain via myspace, job hunting or reading about art opportunities i'll never submit to. But as you can see it has returned and suddenly, nothing is getting done here at the office.
The last few days have been wonderful, complicated, nostalgic, damning. I feel trapped in many ways. I've heard that when you feel trapped it is time to pull out all the stops; get out of your own way, fix it. Why can't i figure out how to fix it?
What's been so complicated? Sharing meals, chores, and a bed with your present. But still listening to songs from another time. Not so much longing to be in that time, just letting it roll around in your mouth. Tasting. Remembering. And i suppose there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. We all have a piece of our past that we cherish and pull out when things are kind of rough in the present. A game we play with ourselves to move past the difficulty of the present.
Could i be crazy? It's very likely that judgment has already been passed on me. I don't care. I'm fairly aware of my weaknesses and bad habits. This being one bad habit, morphing from diary entry to public broadcast. I will publicly admit that i am almost certainly connected to the time in a ESP sort of way. For example, the dreams come in clusters, before or after a correspondence. Then the thoughts, dreams and desire to be in the time fades as though this is connected to a human who moves through lonely days and weeks, emerging then submerging again. Part of me believes that this will quiet down with me relocating to raleigh or something. Again, I may be crazy. I mean, it didn't work in Philadelphia, but then again, I was the loneliest i've ever been up there. Misery loves company, yes it does. But it happens like an earthquake or storm. It's sudden and terrible (in hindsight) and completely unavoidable. And it feel like nature too... drawn to it like the gravitational pull of the sun on the planets. It always seems logical, if a then b and therefore c... but that doesn't dull the sting, or prevent deaths. And i fall victim... but not again. I'm finally getting smarter, bolder.
The present time is good and hard. I know that after this is over, i will look back and be proud of the work that was done and the progress that was made. I am working as hard on my personal life as i work at my professional life. I've never been under the impression that you "worked" at your personal life. But i am. I fight control spells, the urge to quit. I fight to keep my head out of "me is just me, not me and you and therefore simpler." And i only know about this because of that other time.
The last few days have been wonderful, complicated, nostalgic, damning. I feel trapped in many ways. I've heard that when you feel trapped it is time to pull out all the stops; get out of your own way, fix it. Why can't i figure out how to fix it?
What's been so complicated? Sharing meals, chores, and a bed with your present. But still listening to songs from another time. Not so much longing to be in that time, just letting it roll around in your mouth. Tasting. Remembering. And i suppose there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. We all have a piece of our past that we cherish and pull out when things are kind of rough in the present. A game we play with ourselves to move past the difficulty of the present.
Could i be crazy? It's very likely that judgment has already been passed on me. I don't care. I'm fairly aware of my weaknesses and bad habits. This being one bad habit, morphing from diary entry to public broadcast. I will publicly admit that i am almost certainly connected to the time in a ESP sort of way. For example, the dreams come in clusters, before or after a correspondence. Then the thoughts, dreams and desire to be in the time fades as though this is connected to a human who moves through lonely days and weeks, emerging then submerging again. Part of me believes that this will quiet down with me relocating to raleigh or something. Again, I may be crazy. I mean, it didn't work in Philadelphia, but then again, I was the loneliest i've ever been up there. Misery loves company, yes it does. But it happens like an earthquake or storm. It's sudden and terrible (in hindsight) and completely unavoidable. And it feel like nature too... drawn to it like the gravitational pull of the sun on the planets. It always seems logical, if a then b and therefore c... but that doesn't dull the sting, or prevent deaths. And i fall victim... but not again. I'm finally getting smarter, bolder.
The present time is good and hard. I know that after this is over, i will look back and be proud of the work that was done and the progress that was made. I am working as hard on my personal life as i work at my professional life. I've never been under the impression that you "worked" at your personal life. But i am. I fight control spells, the urge to quit. I fight to keep my head out of "me is just me, not me and you and therefore simpler." And i only know about this because of that other time.
15.10.07
About alone.
It's going on 2:30 am. I'm falling back into my normal habits and sleep patterns after being away last week.
Until this afernoon, I had not even unpacked my car from my trip to Durham nearly a week ago, pulling out bags as needed. Toothbrush, soap, etc. I'm still tired from missing out on my weekend and then the fundrasier last night. Tired is usually the one thing that will push me over the edge. Tired is when i email my ex boyfriend. Tired is when i start letting desperation show. Tired is when i have no control over my emotions. I'll reach out to grab hold of who ever happens to be standing there, regardless.
I guess this is why i've felt so lonely the last few days. It's been tough to get through the day with out crying once (and for nothing in particular). Today I heard "mass pike" by the get up kids and was jolted back to the beginning of my relationship with my ex. I remeber how nessecary his presence was to my life and here i am years later... god i hope no one important reads this.
Being alone is ok most of the time. The toughest times are in the "doing" alone. eating, deciding what movie to watch, someone to go to the dog park with. Or when you head into unfamiliar territory. It's so much easier to be brave if you have someone standing next to you who knows you and knows your special.
The fundrasier was beautiful and successful, etc. But the whole night I felt that deep ache in my chest. I helped frame all the photos of the couples as they arrived at the event. I was dressed up just like they were... but you didn't see me did you? I looked pretty. My dog was the only one who saw.
Anyway... I'm not longer interested in making sense. It's time to try this again later.
Until this afernoon, I had not even unpacked my car from my trip to Durham nearly a week ago, pulling out bags as needed. Toothbrush, soap, etc. I'm still tired from missing out on my weekend and then the fundrasier last night. Tired is usually the one thing that will push me over the edge. Tired is when i email my ex boyfriend. Tired is when i start letting desperation show. Tired is when i have no control over my emotions. I'll reach out to grab hold of who ever happens to be standing there, regardless.
I guess this is why i've felt so lonely the last few days. It's been tough to get through the day with out crying once (and for nothing in particular). Today I heard "mass pike" by the get up kids and was jolted back to the beginning of my relationship with my ex. I remeber how nessecary his presence was to my life and here i am years later... god i hope no one important reads this.
Being alone is ok most of the time. The toughest times are in the "doing" alone. eating, deciding what movie to watch, someone to go to the dog park with. Or when you head into unfamiliar territory. It's so much easier to be brave if you have someone standing next to you who knows you and knows your special.
The fundrasier was beautiful and successful, etc. But the whole night I felt that deep ache in my chest. I helped frame all the photos of the couples as they arrived at the event. I was dressed up just like they were... but you didn't see me did you? I looked pretty. My dog was the only one who saw.
Anyway... I'm not longer interested in making sense. It's time to try this again later.
10.10.07
Day 3
Day 3: Community Folklife Confrence-
I have a minute before we are gathering to listen to our ENORMOUSLY unsuccessful audio projects. Using fancy recording equiptment (to the tune of $400-500), we spilled our guts into a microphone that was held 2 inches from our faces. Then, having spilled such relevence, we expected to emerge with equally relevent pieces of audio.
Using the equiptment: I managed to stumble through this process with mild ease, flashing back to days of fucking with mic levels in the band. I understood when the mic was overloaded, i knew what happened when the mic is too close, u know what “popping p’s” are. Once i managed to get situated with my partner, trying to ignore the red ants on the picnic table where we were sitting, I was completely suduced by the sounds i hear amplified from “nature” (i was sitting in the middle of Durham).
I was really looking forward to reflecting on these momments, hearing the wind and birds. I was curious what i might be able to accomplish by inserting these sounds, using them to transition into different pieces of the interview we were about to conduct. Then i was thinking ahead to my own projects, where i might paint large canvases and insert sounds from my own field recordings. Or what could i do to creat an audio pattern out of these sounds?
Next we breeched the interview. Niki, forever assuming that everyone wants to share their lives as much as she likes to share hers, dives right into the messy questions and proceeds to lead her poor partner on very serious and personal venture. And vice versa. But i discovered 2 things: I LOVE the sound of someones voice (even my own b/c it is still largely unfamiliar on high quality digital recordings) close to me. I like to hear their voice in my headphones, like it’s some fuckin spirit or angel or real live warm body speaking directly into my ears.
The second thing i discovered was that my voice isn’t so bad to listen to so long as it is recorded with quality equiptment. I sorted remembered that i used to sing and it didn’t suck.
Anyway... I arrive at the computer lab with large dreams and great expectations. We get settled into a computer pull up the program (Audacity) and it proceeds to crash after ever single action. Sometimes more often than that.
All my hopes and dreams went out the window. I am defeated
I have a minute before we are gathering to listen to our ENORMOUSLY unsuccessful audio projects. Using fancy recording equiptment (to the tune of $400-500), we spilled our guts into a microphone that was held 2 inches from our faces. Then, having spilled such relevence, we expected to emerge with equally relevent pieces of audio.
Using the equiptment: I managed to stumble through this process with mild ease, flashing back to days of fucking with mic levels in the band. I understood when the mic was overloaded, i knew what happened when the mic is too close, u know what “popping p’s” are. Once i managed to get situated with my partner, trying to ignore the red ants on the picnic table where we were sitting, I was completely suduced by the sounds i hear amplified from “nature” (i was sitting in the middle of Durham).
I was really looking forward to reflecting on these momments, hearing the wind and birds. I was curious what i might be able to accomplish by inserting these sounds, using them to transition into different pieces of the interview we were about to conduct. Then i was thinking ahead to my own projects, where i might paint large canvases and insert sounds from my own field recordings. Or what could i do to creat an audio pattern out of these sounds?
Next we breeched the interview. Niki, forever assuming that everyone wants to share their lives as much as she likes to share hers, dives right into the messy questions and proceeds to lead her poor partner on very serious and personal venture. And vice versa. But i discovered 2 things: I LOVE the sound of someones voice (even my own b/c it is still largely unfamiliar on high quality digital recordings) close to me. I like to hear their voice in my headphones, like it’s some fuckin spirit or angel or real live warm body speaking directly into my ears.
The second thing i discovered was that my voice isn’t so bad to listen to so long as it is recorded with quality equiptment. I sorted remembered that i used to sing and it didn’t suck.
Anyway... I arrive at the computer lab with large dreams and great expectations. We get settled into a computer pull up the program (Audacity) and it proceeds to crash after ever single action. Sometimes more often than that.
All my hopes and dreams went out the window. I am defeated
7.10.07
Day 2 Center for Documentary Studies
This is the second day of the workshop at the CDS in Durham. Yesterday we experimented with the "interview" today we moved into digital photography. The interviewong process was very difficult at first. We were paired (this is a small and intimate group) with people who were VERY different from us. I was VERY uncomfortable talking to a complete stranger about my personal life. But we worked with the same partner today and the process of photographing one another was slightly less uncomfortable. Aside from feeling completely exposed to a group of people i didn't know, i walked away today new ideas about piece for my personal work and revealed that i am a very capable photo documentarian (but by no means an expert). I took some great picture of my partner, Marty (a tribal planner for the Haliwa-Saponi Native American tribe, also a song maker and an expert in his native language, and all this at 31). HE also took some very interesting photos of me. We framed eachother as artists, so the pictures were about the work we make. I've posted several of the photos Marty took of me on myspace. www.myspace/thegoodchild.com.
Tomorrow we venture into audio land with new partners. My new partner works in the social justice activism field and seems to be such a multi-talented and warm person. I'm looking forward to working with her. We've already established a mutual love for music.
Again, this is an element i have been interested in incorperating into my visual work. And since a lot of the work i create stems from "collecting" and "repeating" and pattern and family and personal history, this just seems like a natural progression.
I hope to have a complete audio piece to post on the internet by tomorrow evening.
Now... I MUST get some sleep. More soon. xo
Tomorrow we venture into audio land with new partners. My new partner works in the social justice activism field and seems to be such a multi-talented and warm person. I'm looking forward to working with her. We've already established a mutual love for music.
Again, this is an element i have been interested in incorperating into my visual work. And since a lot of the work i create stems from "collecting" and "repeating" and pattern and family and personal history, this just seems like a natural progression.
I hope to have a complete audio piece to post on the internet by tomorrow evening.
Now... I MUST get some sleep. More soon. xo
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