About alone.

It's going on 2:30 am. I'm falling back into my normal habits and sleep patterns after being away last week.
Until this afernoon, I had not even unpacked my car from my trip to Durham nearly a week ago, pulling out bags as needed. Toothbrush, soap, etc. I'm still tired from missing out on my weekend and then the fundrasier last night. Tired is usually the one thing that will push me over the edge. Tired is when i email my ex boyfriend. Tired is when i start letting desperation show. Tired is when i have no control over my emotions. I'll reach out to grab hold of who ever happens to be standing there, regardless.

I guess this is why i've felt so lonely the last few days. It's been tough to get through the day with out crying once (and for nothing in particular). Today I heard "mass pike" by the get up kids and was jolted back to the beginning of my relationship with my ex. I remeber how nessecary his presence was to my life and here i am years later... god i hope no one important reads this.

Being alone is ok most of the time. The toughest times are in the "doing" alone. eating, deciding what movie to watch, someone to go to the dog park with. Or when you head into unfamiliar territory. It's so much easier to be brave if you have someone standing next to you who knows you and knows your special.

The fundrasier was beautiful and successful, etc. But the whole night I felt that deep ache in my chest. I helped frame all the photos of the couples as they arrived at the event. I was dressed up just like they were... but you didn't see me did you? I looked pretty. My dog was the only one who saw.
Anyway... I'm not longer interested in making sense. It's time to try this again later.