It is 18 minutes to 6. I am counting down my minutes here. Sun kissed East Coast skin says goodbye, goodbye. Flat open fields, skies for miles and miles. It never sounds bad when i describe you geographically. Aesthetically, I love you in cotton, i love you in tobacco, I love you sun scorched and burning in the heat of July. Sometimes i even love your friends, in spite of themselves. I don't care what they do at night, I don't care which side of the fence they rest on, as long as a smile rests on me and mine.
You may love me, and i may love you, but your wide open expressions never made me feel at home. I loved you the way i love to eat cake, just a little taste, too much is a waste. Your wide open expressions are dramatic and make me feel i am the center of all things, but when i am drunk with the illusion, you're sending your devils to steal away my happiness.
The truth is that you are no good for me. We could never see eye to eye. You will always be able to sweep me up dramatically, believably, but you'll never capture the best of what i have to give, no, that sort of thing can not be conned out of a lover, a friend or any other.
I am taking my best and leaving you. Please, don't call, don't write. I won't ever be back for you. My love in the city is waiting. I won't make him wait anymore.
24.2.09
Things Change Things get better
I woke up this morning to gentle snoring (i really wasn't planning on rhyming today, but i'll just go with it)
While snoring is normally a bad annoying thing, I welcome the sound b/c it is far better than waking to the cold silence of a house that doens't love you back. And it is a reminder of the warm generous soul who is sleeping next to me. I'm not sure how, but i have everything i have ever needed and what's more everything i ever wanted. I never imagined that i would ever receive such an enormous gift.
While snoring is normally a bad annoying thing, I welcome the sound b/c it is far better than waking to the cold silence of a house that doens't love you back. And it is a reminder of the warm generous soul who is sleeping next to me. I'm not sure how, but i have everything i have ever needed and what's more everything i ever wanted. I never imagined that i would ever receive such an enormous gift.
4.9.08
My New Muse
Thursday.
It has been forever since i posted. So here we go, in code.
The Empress
The Empress is in tune with Nature and symbolizes the ability to connect with the planet. Nurturing and caring, she is often thought to represent birth itself. Not necessarily the birth of a child, but perhaps the birth of a new project or business venture. Although she appreciates the simple things in life, she is not afraid to let loose and enjoy abundance.
This is the tarot card i got for the day. Very good, very illustrative of my current mood, which is calm, in control and standing on the brink of the best leap of my life. There is opportunity beyond my wildest hopes and dreams, visiting me regularly. This is what i have been holding out for. This is the reason i did not settle. This is the reason i've pushed through for better, for more. This is not one kind of opportunity, this is a new door to a new world. I suddenly have no doubts about how the universe will align to open the door wide enough for me to come through it.
I have grown quiet. Which is a contrast to the younger version of myself, seeking to define, control and mold the world into something that i could understand. In doing this, the "world" was taken out of it's context, subtitles lost, beauty gone. Like when you take a child (one of the most beautiful things on earth) and place that child on display, away from the world, to analyze. Would you not learn so much more about said child if you observe the way they play outside, the way they love their parents, etc? This is what i learned in graduate school. 50% of the beauty of anything is derived from it's context. Maybe that's why i am so interested in installation art work. The artist has the opportunity to create that context and enhance their message. How amazing it is to be able to create a whole world with your vision and hands?
I observe, i listen, i make, i play, i love, i purge, i struggle, i resolve, i do it all again.
I'm feeling very inspired today. It's funny how certain people can teach you things about yourself with out even meaning to. I'm fiercely confident and calm today. I can't wholey understand the source. But i want more beauty. I want more of my hands moving over paper, more observing the world with my new company, more sharing, more collaborating, more musing. It's already underway.
It has been forever since i posted. So here we go, in code.
The Empress
The Empress is in tune with Nature and symbolizes the ability to connect with the planet. Nurturing and caring, she is often thought to represent birth itself. Not necessarily the birth of a child, but perhaps the birth of a new project or business venture. Although she appreciates the simple things in life, she is not afraid to let loose and enjoy abundance.
This is the tarot card i got for the day. Very good, very illustrative of my current mood, which is calm, in control and standing on the brink of the best leap of my life. There is opportunity beyond my wildest hopes and dreams, visiting me regularly. This is what i have been holding out for. This is the reason i did not settle. This is the reason i've pushed through for better, for more. This is not one kind of opportunity, this is a new door to a new world. I suddenly have no doubts about how the universe will align to open the door wide enough for me to come through it.
I have grown quiet. Which is a contrast to the younger version of myself, seeking to define, control and mold the world into something that i could understand. In doing this, the "world" was taken out of it's context, subtitles lost, beauty gone. Like when you take a child (one of the most beautiful things on earth) and place that child on display, away from the world, to analyze. Would you not learn so much more about said child if you observe the way they play outside, the way they love their parents, etc? This is what i learned in graduate school. 50% of the beauty of anything is derived from it's context. Maybe that's why i am so interested in installation art work. The artist has the opportunity to create that context and enhance their message. How amazing it is to be able to create a whole world with your vision and hands?
I observe, i listen, i make, i play, i love, i purge, i struggle, i resolve, i do it all again.
I'm feeling very inspired today. It's funny how certain people can teach you things about yourself with out even meaning to. I'm fiercely confident and calm today. I can't wholey understand the source. But i want more beauty. I want more of my hands moving over paper, more observing the world with my new company, more sharing, more collaborating, more musing. It's already underway.
21.8.08
Change. 8.21.08
There are forces at work these days that i don't understand. Major shifts from what used to be intolerable to a new patient waiting, fresh eyes, renewed hope. A new 360. Is it dumb luck? Or have i finally stumbled into a place where i belong?
I'm not talking geographically. nonono.
The things that i used to obsess over have dissolved. Old troubles hardly cross my mind. I can't imagine that it used to consume so much of my thoughts.
I have no dillusions about the dangerous waters in which i tread. There is a dangerous undertow; it could take my life at any moment. But i'm not so scared anymore and i'm no diving directly into the current either (i have moderately self-destructive relationship habits).
I was quiet. I wanted to hear you as best i could. Didn't want to miss a word, a sound. So i just listened and pretended that i was watching you talk. I love to watch people talk... and so begins a story with an unwritten ending.
I'm not talking geographically. nonono.
The things that i used to obsess over have dissolved. Old troubles hardly cross my mind. I can't imagine that it used to consume so much of my thoughts.
I have no dillusions about the dangerous waters in which i tread. There is a dangerous undertow; it could take my life at any moment. But i'm not so scared anymore and i'm no diving directly into the current either (i have moderately self-destructive relationship habits).
I was quiet. I wanted to hear you as best i could. Didn't want to miss a word, a sound. So i just listened and pretended that i was watching you talk. I love to watch people talk... and so begins a story with an unwritten ending.
4.8.08
Aug 4. 2008
I've put down my white flag. I had it, waiting for the right moment. A mutual "surrender" I think is how i put it.
There will be no mutual surrender. I can see, as the smoke clears, that my wishful mind created a situation that did not actually present itself. It's so easy to flash back to that place. Why? I don't understand why i hold on to such a hurtful relationship. Even in a brief public sighting, he is discouraging, absent and aloof and nothing i deserve. It is time to let it go, for good.
Can i do it? I'm not sure. There should be no questions. It should have been done years ago. I want to be confrontational, call names, get a reaction, anything... Hello? are you even alive? What is the f$%*'n problem? Say something, make up your damn mind. Are you in or are you out? The answer doesn't so much matter anymore. I just want to know how i should act! Just say it. Screw my feelings, it's not like you can get outside yourself anyway. Close the book for me or tell me the rest of the dmn story! I'm so angry for this nothing in the place that i feel so much.
People claim time heals. And it seems it has with 2 exceptions: it's not healed you and it's not diminished my heart. It's taken care of everything else. My chopped up body, the few who took advantage before you came along. I consider myself a reasonable person and i lose control seldom. But even after 8 years...
I'll never understand.
Today was frustrating. Work was long. Tomorrow will be worse. So i took my 35 min drive home as an opportunity to focus my rage on the road and drown out the pathetic voices in my head saying... "yes, but what if..." I fantisized telling you i was done, forever. I threatened to never know you again and never give you the opportunity to know me. I wanted to say things that would make you hurt and then vanish. I would vanish for a change.
But... i'm soft again. Writing, waiting to fall asleep. Sitting on the inside of my strange apartment, it doesn't feel like home. Imagining that i'm not the one with problems.
There will be no mutual surrender. I can see, as the smoke clears, that my wishful mind created a situation that did not actually present itself. It's so easy to flash back to that place. Why? I don't understand why i hold on to such a hurtful relationship. Even in a brief public sighting, he is discouraging, absent and aloof and nothing i deserve. It is time to let it go, for good.
Can i do it? I'm not sure. There should be no questions. It should have been done years ago. I want to be confrontational, call names, get a reaction, anything... Hello? are you even alive? What is the f$%*'n problem? Say something, make up your damn mind. Are you in or are you out? The answer doesn't so much matter anymore. I just want to know how i should act! Just say it. Screw my feelings, it's not like you can get outside yourself anyway. Close the book for me or tell me the rest of the dmn story! I'm so angry for this nothing in the place that i feel so much.
People claim time heals. And it seems it has with 2 exceptions: it's not healed you and it's not diminished my heart. It's taken care of everything else. My chopped up body, the few who took advantage before you came along. I consider myself a reasonable person and i lose control seldom. But even after 8 years...
I'll never understand.
Today was frustrating. Work was long. Tomorrow will be worse. So i took my 35 min drive home as an opportunity to focus my rage on the road and drown out the pathetic voices in my head saying... "yes, but what if..." I fantisized telling you i was done, forever. I threatened to never know you again and never give you the opportunity to know me. I wanted to say things that would make you hurt and then vanish. I would vanish for a change.
But... i'm soft again. Writing, waiting to fall asleep. Sitting on the inside of my strange apartment, it doesn't feel like home. Imagining that i'm not the one with problems.
July 31.2008
Last night i dreamt of an old friend. Not in a way that fell into the constraints of our normal friendship. It was a pleasant surprise when compared with other recent dreams. Huge mushroom clouds from explosions from places where there is no explosive material. The feeling of dependency on my family and feeling judged for it. The dependency part was probably based on a radio broadcast i'd heard earlier in the week, but I'm not sure about the part where my mother was driving 60 mph backwards in her saturn vue to get away from the mushroom cloud that was about to engulf us. But when i woke up, i could feel that it was my subconscious working on refocusing my obsessive mind.
The obsessive part of me has quieted, a little. I'm not nearly as anxious. I'm trying not to be. And i do believe that my obsession has slipped away from me once again, to resurface in 2 more years? Maybe less? I was hoping this would be the time that we would see it through to closure. Make it a definitive ending or make a definitive meeting for when we turn 60 and have lived our lives and have nothing left to loose. Or, in my wildest dreams, a mutual surrender, accepting nature's chemistry and letting go of control. We are still too headstrong or wounded for that. Lord, what would i daydream about if we were to come together again?! I would be void of material. I can not fathom anyone other than him. I try to imagine someone else, a stranger, anyone, but it just doesn't make any sense, it's the wrong fit and the stranger i imagine could be anything, anyone. But, I digress, and make the point that i need very little encouragement.
I'm not quite sure what happens between the time I realize that i've lost him again to the point where i start imposing my feelings for him on other people. Perhaps a fleeting hope would be that something would take, that i might make a healthy thing of an unhealthy habit.
Thinking back on all the relationships i've had, I realized that i have been the pursuer. I find that interesting. I think i let my high school boyfriend make the first move, but then the rest was all me. I guess i don't really give anyone the chance to make the first move. Hm. Had never thought about that before.
The obsessive part of me has quieted, a little. I'm not nearly as anxious. I'm trying not to be. And i do believe that my obsession has slipped away from me once again, to resurface in 2 more years? Maybe less? I was hoping this would be the time that we would see it through to closure. Make it a definitive ending or make a definitive meeting for when we turn 60 and have lived our lives and have nothing left to loose. Or, in my wildest dreams, a mutual surrender, accepting nature's chemistry and letting go of control. We are still too headstrong or wounded for that. Lord, what would i daydream about if we were to come together again?! I would be void of material. I can not fathom anyone other than him. I try to imagine someone else, a stranger, anyone, but it just doesn't make any sense, it's the wrong fit and the stranger i imagine could be anything, anyone. But, I digress, and make the point that i need very little encouragement.
I'm not quite sure what happens between the time I realize that i've lost him again to the point where i start imposing my feelings for him on other people. Perhaps a fleeting hope would be that something would take, that i might make a healthy thing of an unhealthy habit.
Thinking back on all the relationships i've had, I realized that i have been the pursuer. I find that interesting. I think i let my high school boyfriend make the first move, but then the rest was all me. I guess i don't really give anyone the chance to make the first move. Hm. Had never thought about that before.
24.7.08
7.24.08
Thursday.
The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.
When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.
We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.
This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.
A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.
The lonelies have set in. Somehow i think i deserve it for all the good i've had in the last week or so. Chick flicks NEVER help. It's more upsetting than an escape to watch that stuff. They always get what they want. It never ends up like that here, not in mine, not in matters of the heart. The charmed love lives are so easy to be envious of. They never show the complexity of what its like to be in a real relationship. I think that i get it, but maybe it's different for most other people, b/c they manage to have seemingly healthy supportive relationships at age 22. I don't understand how this happens. Is it me? It must be me.
When i was 19 i met someone really special. Our relationship ran hot and cold. We were never able to communicate very well. I was (still am?) so insecure that i couldn't hardly speak to the guy. Terrified. Shaking in my boots every time he was around. And when we spilt (it happened alot) i was terrified to walk through campus, art building and the few classes i had with him were excruciating. I became physically ill. But i felt like we really knew eachother, even though we weren't able to talk very well.
We used to swap mix tapes. Ideas for art projects. And i can vaugely recall going over to his house and sitting in the driveway talking, looking at the sky... i'm trying to imagine a time when we talked. I liked him so much then, i mean i loved him, but he was warm and generous and wanted to be there. I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's b/c i started to see someone else for a month during one of our break-ups? Was that it? Was that why he started burrying himself away from me? I didn't know what i was doing. I was only 20 at that point. But i went back to him.
This was years ago. three years ago (and i know exactly what day) he appeared again. I was so relieved to have him back. My favorite voice, the best kiss... and then gone again. Blaming myself for that too. Not sure what i'm blaming myself for. I just wanted to be closer to him, i just wanted to be in a relationship. Here's the part where i don't get to have what i want, b/c it's what i want.
A failed attempt at moving on has landed me right back where i was. My head always circles back around to him. I don't remember that we don't communicate until after a few exchanges and by then it's too late. I'm already fighting the daydreams of healed hearts and healthy relationships. So i stay away. I avoid contact. I want to make something happen, but the harder i try the longer he's gone. So i do nothing. Hoping that it means we'll see each other sooner, rather than later.
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